THE NEWLYWEDS by Sharon Yablon

CHARACTERS

Mindy middle-aged, has a grating personality.

Kevin – 20s, quietly traumatized by his wife and a little OCD.

TIME / PLACE

Present; the front entrance to The Alamo exhibit in San Antonio, Texas.

(KEVIN, lost in thought, stands in the front area of The Alamo exhibit. MINDY enters with a strange energy.)

MINDY

There’s a guy in the girl’s bathroom.

(carefully applies lip gloss)

Says he’s on angel dust. Not my business, what people do, the drugs they take. I asked because he’s doing otherworldly things in there. I mean, my god! I just have to tell someone. There’s a guy on angel dust in the ladies’ room. And he’s going down on women left and right. Like there’s no tomorrow! I mean everyone who comes in! He’s insatiable! He can’t get enough! At first I just watched. . .but then. Mother in law’s, grandmas, babies. Everyone’s getting it in there! The moaning, could you hear it?

KEVIN

No.

MINDY

Kevin? You couldn’t hear the moaning? I can totally hear it out here. It’s wafting out from under the bathroom door. And the smell? It’s a mix of female pleasure and fear of letting go. Of musky love.

KEVIN

I don’t smell anything. I did hear something. It was the sun rising. No, it was the sound of a car going over a body. The dying figure, on the ground, begging, and being run over yet again because the driver didn’t know what to do. Is she dead yet? We can’t let her suffer, or tell anyone. That gypsy woman.

MINDY

She was Mexican.

KEVIN

A tumbleweed blew across her.

MINDY

Yes it was poignant.

KEVIN

I never would have pegged myself as someone who would run over a person and then run over them again to make sure they were dead, and then drive away.

MINDY

It’s our honeymoon and you did the right thing.

(She sidles up to him.)

KEVIN

My mother warned us not to get married. Marriage is why people drink she said. She said you’re too close in age to her. It’s like incest.

MINDY

You have to be related to someone to have it be incest, Kevin.

KEVIN

The dying woman cursed us too. Did you hear it?

(She quickly breaks away from him.)

MINDY

She said that holding your new husband’s perpetually unhard penis will begin to feel like a small, dead bird in your hand. (pause) Do you have anything to say about that?! Am I in for many unfulfilled years ahead? When we first met you bought me a fur and a car. There were nights in piano bars and B&Bs in Santa Barbara.

(tone shifts to overly dramatic)

At the Charthouse you spoke of the depthless ocean and how it disturbed you. You were a troubled young man and I was a world-weary woman. Just like two characters out of a Noir. Do you remember? I read all of “The Little Sister” to you in the tub, and you cried and cried. The never-ending freeways of Los Angeles thrilled and frightened you, but I was your consolation.

KEVIN

The impermanence of Angelenos. . .why do people keep coming to our home? They rape us and take what they want, or find a dead end, and move away. It’s a city without meaning. Los Angeles and the beautiful victims she eviscerates. . .

MINDY

Now you barely register an emotion. Whenever I touch you you’re like the wiggly man at a circus. Your tremors embarrass me.

KEVIN

It’s a necessary side effect of my medication.

MINDY

Not to mention others. Seems to me you were more fun when you were bi-polar.

(Mindy veers towards the ladies’ room during his speech.)

KEVIN

There is a dark side to mania. That’s all I will say. There are parts of ourselves we’ll never meet until the situation occurs, you know? We had sandwiches from Subway. We drove to a pretty Texas place. Except there’s nothing pretty here. That’s not true. There’s a raw beauty here. It’s a beauty of armadillo and burrs. Drunk cowboys who will repeatedly rape you. Cacti. The sun and dirt. Bar after bar in the little towns. . .

(During her speech Kevin takes out some Purel and carefully cleans his hands. He faces the ladies’ room and slowly wanders to it, as if he is drawn there.)

MINDY

(looks out)

What is love? No man I slept with has ever gone down on me like that in there. That angel dust smokin’ escaped slaughterhouse worker in the bathroom going down on whoever lucky woman happens to enter. He’s nondiscriminating, and it’s beautiful. In that squat little room we’ll all be worshipped as the goddesses we are. Between sessions he did talk about his job. How the work of a slaughterhouse worker is largely uncelebrated. He seemed sad. I can never get the blood off my hands, he said. I can never get the blood off. Steers have tears he kept saying. . .and then he buried his face in yet another vagina, perhaps for comfort.

(She turns around to find Kevin standing in front of the ladies’ room, as if mesmorized.)

MINDY

Kevin?!

KEVIN

What will God say?! What have we done?

MINDY

Why are we even here? I want to go to the River Walk. Sit outside at a little café. You know? I don’t care about history. I don’t give a shit. Something may have happened here, but it’s boring now. I’m supposed to imagine some battle between Mexicans and Texans? I’m just glad we kicked those wetbacks’ asses. I bet being a border patrol is fun. You know that Organ Pipe National Park is the most dangerous national park to visit now because of them? They like to hang out there while they’re figuring out what to do.

(She gestures, and his eyes follow.)

MINDY

There’s a Mexican over there. I bet he has a machete in his pocket. I bet he’d like to take me to his goat farm and perform Satanic rites on me.

KEVIN

I bet he’d like to slice you up through the anus.

MINDY

I can see it in his eyes.

KEVIN

We shouldn’t have driven over that gypsy woman and left her there. We shouldn’t have done that. Even though I feel nothing. I didn’t know her. I mean, what is compassion? Is it a feeling we’re supposed to manufacture for everyone?

MINDY

You know there’s a Sea World here too, in San Antonio. Do you think the whales know they’re in Texas? They’re supposed to be smart. The guy in the bathroom said the slaughterhouse he works at is just off a dirt road, past the exhibit. Just off a dirt road. . .he said we can go there, for a tour. If we eat meat, we might want to see where it comes from. We might want to see it getting killed. I’ll tell you this. That vagina licker in there. I know what’s attractive about him. It’s not his talent or his acumen, although it is pretty good. It’s not his enthusiasm, although it is hefty. He’s on that killing floor all day and he’s close to death. It’s not such a mystery to him. You know? He knows something we don’t. About death. You know? Kevin?

KEVIN

There’s another man’s saliva on you.

MINDY

I told you because I didn’t want any secrets.

KEVIN

Another man’s stench and greasy little hands.

MINDY

No, he never touched me. I just stood perfectly still and he buried his face right in there.

KEVIN

(looks around, nervous)

Which one is he? Was he Mexican? Hey buddy! Something wrong? You in a drug cartel? Are you going to hack off our heads and piss down our necks? Are you going to mail our chopped off hands to our families? I think they’re still angry with us. Well, we had nothing to do with it. Me and my wife.

(He puts his arm around her.)

KEVIN

But we won. I’ll tell you that! We won The Alamo!!

(THE END.)

One response to “THE NEWLYWEDS by Sharon Yablon

  1. Love it, Sharon! My favorite lines:
    “It’s a beauty of armadillo and burrs” and “Do you think the whales know they are in Texas?”

    Brilliant. Need to re-read it.

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